The night before my appointment mom came into my room while I wasfinishing up an article in Seventeen."Well tomorrow is the big day, Robin. I hope you're not nervous....thereis nothing to worry about. We will just be honest with the doctor andlisten to everything that she has to say and then do what is best for youto be healthy and happy.....regardless." I know Mother, but these last two weeks have been great and I don't knowif I can go back to being a boy." Let's not put the horse before the cart. Let's see what the doctor says,okay honey?"The next morning with Mother's help I dressed in female clothing that wasas gender neutral on the outside as I had. Under my outer clothes I woreone of my training bras (I felt naked without it) and panties. On theoutside I wore a pair of girls skinny leg jeans and a loose fittingpullover top with girls loafers (no socks) that had only a slightlyraised heel. My hair was brushed out in a style not uncommon amongmusicians and boys who emulate them. I. A filing cabinet style drawer, and… a pen! A cheap, gnawed on, nigh disposable, ballpoint fucking pen! I am so happy I don’t even care that I didn’t find a new landmark like I thought. Dropping the sharp fragment of slate feels almost celebratory as I tuck the end of the pen into the spiral wire and return to my exploration, dedicating myself to check through the whole floor.In the next couple of hallways, I hear the familiar sound of giggling. Around here it seems like the most common first indicator that there might be other humans around. The general feel of apocalyptica-chic that permeates the building mocks the entire concept of interior décor. It also makes it easy to forget that other humans even exist when I haven’t seen one for a while – and I haven’t.I turn the corner and for just a moment I am startled. Mildly, but I am legitimately alarmed. There’s a person. I haven’t seen anyone for three floors – and three floors is a long time when systematically exploring.
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